Amazing things seem to happen in threes - that is if you take the time to find amazing things in the ordinary and count them, or if you tend to label ordinary things as amazing in triplicate.
I had a dream that I had a navy blue pair of shorts as a staple in my wardrobe. I woke up disappointed with the reality of the situation and thirsty for a new pair of shorts. Fate happened to bring me to Sears that day and there they were - the shorts of my dreams, literally. And on clearance. Jesus sold me the shorts of my dreams. No, really - it was the guy’s name at the cash register. I said “Thank you, Jesus.” Take that atheists.
Pretty amazing as far as shopping goes - “Sears, where dreams come true.”
Dear Sears,
I am willing to sell you the above true story, as well as story board and star in the commercial that tells said story for a mere $950 cash or your finest French Door refrigerator.
Sincerely,
Beer on my shirt
On the same day, I bought a hacksaw. Has anyone used one of these things before? Absolutely amazing! Using only the power produced by moving my arm (and my arms are not known for their power, more for their looks and sense of humor) a hacksaw allows me to cut through metal - this is practically super human (someone call the producers of the show Heroes, I have a fresh idea). And it was really quite effortless, both the hacksaw-ing and the breaking of my hacksaw cherry - it was my first time. There wasn’t even any blood. Too far, I know, but usually when I use a tool, there is blood involved. This includes brooms, tape measures, and plastic rakes - all vampires hiding out in my shed until the sun goes down, thirsty for my blood, living off my awkward injuries.
Tools are like hot women - when I talk to them they rarely talk back, I tend to use them when I’m drinking, they don’t appreciate my soft hands, and they are shiny.
I bought the hacksaw to cut this piece of metal that is replacing an old piece of metal in my doorway. Seems simple enough, set up a little work area outside and cut through some metal. However, I am currently the primary care giver of Baby during the day while Wife is out scouring the fields with her metal detector, solo geocaching, and hunting Somalian pirates while riding on the back of an eagle-dragon hybrid (named Honda).
Watching the baby tends to complicate matters involving tools. I’m no genius - or am I? - but I do know that hacksaws and babies don’t mix, not even a little. So once Baby is napping in her crib, I flip on the video monitor we have, take a few quick measurements and head out to the back porch to vigorously saw metal.
Then I stop and look at the monitor.
Then I vigorously saw, saw, saw.
Then I look at the monitor.
Then I vigorously saw some more and I’m pretty much done with the sawing of the metal for the doorway.
I moved on to sawing any metal that was in my way. This led me to my trash can - you see, the wheels had broken off and all that was left at the bottom of it was this metal axle, that for the life of me I could just not get the metal caps off of the ends to remove it. I thought about throwing it away but I couldn’t really figure out the ridiculous paradox known as “throwing away a trash can.” Do you put a sign on it that says “trash“? That kind seems like a smack in the face of the garbage man’s intelligence. Do you put a sign on it that says “this trash can is trash”? Something about that seems overstated. Can I still put trash in it or does it need to be empty to get the point across? Will my garbage man hate me and think I’m a liar when he opens it and there’s nothing in there, only to see the bags of trash behind it instead of in it? He’ll think I’m a fool.
The hacksaw solves all these problems just with about 600 back and forth movements of my wiggly arm - just cut off the old axle, get a new rod and some wheels and we just circumnavigated around the whole “trash can as trash” paradox. The hacksaw does more than cut metal - it is a problem solver for crazy people.
You know what else is a problem solver for crazy people? Beer. Hacksaws, Beers, and Sears, bitches. That’s a fucking Saturday.
I’ve been on a Saison/Farmhouse Ale kick lately. I’m not really sure if these are the same or if the styles are just related. Regardless, they are perfect for summer. The back story here is these beers are based on a style out of a French speaking region of Belgium that were brewed for the summer months, something for the farmers and farm workers to drink after hard work on a hot day.
I mentioned Saison DuPont before, and have since read on Wikipedia that it was named best beer in the world by Men’s Journal a few years back. It is very deserving of the honor. Imagine a beer mimosa - just beer and champagne, no orange juice - and that is the wonder that is Saison Dupont. A little dry, a little sour, a little peppery, and that great Belgian beer yeast characteristic that is a revelation if it’s been awhile since your last chance.
Hennepin, by Ommegang Brewery in New York, is another amazing example of a Saison. This has all the characteristics of the DuPont, but a little less dry, just a bit more sweetness - think honey and fruit. The first pour is not easy though - the beer gets a monster head if you pour too fast - you’ve been warned. This is one of my favorites.
Jack D’Or, by Pretty Things Beer and Ale Project, is another good one with a more of a hops kick at the end compared to other Saisons I’ve had. I think of this as a nice compromise - I’m in the mood for a Saison but I also want some bitter hops to bite my tongue - Jack D’Or.
E.S. Bam, by Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales, was darker than the rest and the flavor matched - more malt, more hops, more going on all around. This was the funkiest of this group, in a good way, and probably the least dry. This one left me a little confused, but I would certainly buy/drink more the first chance I get.
Southampton Saison Deluxe, by Southampton Publick House, was the last one we cracked open and it reminded us very much of the Hennepin that we had started the day with. But with the Jack D’Or and the E.S. Bam in between, it is hard to say with any certainty how similar it really was. I am certain it was good and if I have the chance, I’ll compare it side by side with the Hennepin and get back to you.
