Monday, January 2, 2012

The Week of Flossing, Pony P gets suspended, and some more winter seasonals.

I recently received this memo from the CEO of Beer on my Shirt (a man of great power and wealth)…

RE: Pony P

In lieu of recent transgressions, not limited to but including the following:
  • Shaving of his face (done not for personal reasons (which would have been totally acceptable), rather to please his wife and the Mother of his good friend Chuckles (a woman that loudly proclaimed Pony P’s ugliness multiple times, “Your so ugly with that hairy face and hair, you used to be cute”)).
  • Taking his dog to sit on Santa’s lap.
  • Communist tendencies.
  • Allowing his wife to verbally attack me at the Beer on my Shirt holiday party over the content of Top 50 (Part 1): Andre and Pony P get weird.
Pony P is hereby suspended, without pay, from one post.  Let this be an example for other employees that such actions will not be tolerated, punishments will be swift, and I will slap a biznitch.

As a result of this recent development, I am forced to put Part 2 of the Top 50 series on hold because, unfortunately, he who can not be mentioned plays a pretty big role in the whole thing.  Luckily, for everyone involved, my life is essentially a bottomless pit of beer related experiences and embarrassment.  Revel in my poor decisions like you’re Fidel Castro and I’m a boner named the Bay of Pigs Invasion.

The days between Christmas and New Year’s Day are always a strange time.  Everything seems to be in flux - apparently no one actually has to go to work, everyone is running rampant with gift cards and new socks, and losers that think that winning and losing still matter make resolutions.  Resolutions that, by the way, are the equivalent of sending your high school sweetheart a carnation because she’s pissed at you that your best friend‘s sister has bigger tits than her.  ("It's not like I put them there!" - "But I always catch you looking at them!" - "There fucking huge! No matter where I look, I'm gonna see them.")

Carnations and resolutions - in the long run, nobody gives a shit about either one; after a week they both shrivel up and die so stop wasting everybody’s time and just give some money to a charity that feeds hungry kids.  Your dumb girlfriend will eat that up.  (Am I implying that your girlfriend is a hungry child fed by charitable organizations?  Or that she will be aroused by your philanthropy?  Some questions - like “Does monogamy make sense for humans?” - can never be answered.)

Here at Beer on my Shirt, we have established a tradition that takes a slightly different approach to the days between Christmas and New Year’s - we call it the Week of Flossing.  It came about after years of failed “I’m gonna floss more” New Year’s Resolutions.  Coincidentally, the years of flossing resolutions were preceded by years of failed “I’m gonna have more intercourse” resolutions along with the absolutely unsuccessful Week of Intercourse back in 2001.  A Week of Time Travel had a better chance of success.

The Week of Flossing is based on the premise that resolutions are unsuccessful and attempts a “hit the ground running” approach to flossing in the New Year.  A successful week of flossing is measured in simple terms - you floss at least once a day every day starting with the day after Christmas and culminating on New Year’s Day.  The hope is that with a full week of flossing before the New Year - followed by another week of daily flossing in an effort to stick with the resolution - followed by a week or two of intermittent flossing as you try and hang on to the dream of actually becoming a better person, and finally, culminating with a strategically scheduled dentist appointment that will lead, hopefully, to my dental hygienist actually believing that I give a shit about teeth that are as crooked as the motives of a sloppy French maid. 

Here are a few things that I tend to think about while flossing during the Week of Flossing:

  • When was the last time I ate steak, cause that piece there definitely looks like steak.
  • What is that smell?
  • How much more purple can my finger tip get?
  • How much longer do I have until that finger tip gives up and just falls right off?
  • Zombie Finger Tip?
  • They say the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body.  Have “they” seen my thighs?  (I floss in front of a full length mirror.)
  • I fucking hate my wisdom teeth.
  • "Are you looking at me?"
  • Avoid eye contact.
  • Don’t throw up.

One of the major challenges of the Week of Flossing is the combination of a sensitive gag reflex with the excessive drinking of a large variety of holiday or winter seasonal beers.  In some circles, the Week of Flossing is also known as the Week of Morning Dry Heaving. 

I wrote about a few holiday beers a few weeks ago.  Here are a few more that I came across during the Week of Flossing:

Belgian Freeze (8% ABV) - This is a Belgian Dark Ale brewed by River Horse Brewing.  It has a nice sour Belgian yeast smell and taste - along with some very mild spice flavor, like coriander, and a dark fruit sweetness.  Chuckles, a friend of Beer on my Shirt, had it on draft and loved it - so I bought a few bottles.  I thought it was good but just a bit flat and just a bit too sweet to make me want to go buy it again this year.  It did have a nice booze warming finish that I enjoyed so next year I’ll probably buy it again just to have one or two in the fridge.

The Beer on my Shirt "nonick" pint glass, from Wife's Sister
Lancaster Brewing Company’s Winter Warmer (8.9% ABV) - From what I can tell, the style here is considered an Old Ale but it certainly had characteristics of a Belgian Dark Ale - I felt like this was a better version of the Belgian Freeze.  It had a nice doughy flavor, just a little spice, and some chocolate and roasted flavors.  The sweetness was similar to the Belgian Freeze but more subdued and the finish had almost a tart or sour edge to it that I really liked.  It left a little tingle on the back of my tongue after every sip. I was pleasantly surprised by this beer and will be seeking it out again as it made a perfect nightcap - but the booze of it snuck up on me and my empty stomach - Wife was forced to make me a soft pretzel after I repeatedly yelled “Soft Pretzels For Everyone!” while dancing on an imaginary pretzel shaped dance floor.  It was as if John Belushi was cast for the lead role in Footloose.
The Beer on my Shirt "shaker" pint glass, from Alice.

Heavy Sea’s Winter Storm “Category 5 Ale” (7.5% ABV) - Winter Storm is an ESB, or Extra Special Bitter, that I really enjoyed.  Pretty strong for the style but very tasty.  It was a great change of pace from the typical winter beer, the spices were non existent, and it had a great caramel malt flavor balanced with a earthy hop taste.  Very crisp, very flavorful but mild enough as to not overpower, and with a hint of alcohol at the end.  I liked it very much and wished I had more - I could have drank it all night.

Delirium Noel (10% ABV) - This is another Belgian Dark Ale, actually from Belgium.  It smelled like banana bread dough and had a nice solid, not overpowering Belgian yeast flavor.  The carbonation was great, giving it a nice dry crispness, and the spice flavors  were very mild.  Wife and I split the big bottle and we both enjoyed it very much - would have popped open another if we had it.  But we didn’t - so instead we inflated the kiddie pool, broke out the olive oil and goggles, and wrestled slippy Greco-Roman style until one of us blew chunks.  Winner gets the leftover honey ham, a highly coveted prize.  Loser cleans up all holiday vomit.  All of it.  ALL OF IT!

1 comment:

  1. So...I'm at Lancaster Brewing Company, drinking the Winter Warmer, but I covet my wife's beer. Here, on the site of the Holy Land, they mix a draft version of black and tan with milk stout and Hog's Head IPA. Genius. Everyone come here.