Sunday, December 9, 2012
That time I drank four bottles of Mad Elf...
Last night I drank four bottles of Troeg’s Mad Elf (11.0% ABV). Going into it, I knew it was probably a bad idea - taking four bottles of Mad Elf to a BYO holiday party. However, I did manage to drink two Sierra Nevada’s Celebration Ale and two Mad Elf only a few nights earlier and it was a pretty good time. I knew that didn't quite add up to the same experience as four Mad Elf, but I was confident I could make up the difference.
There may have been a slight error with my calculations.
While showering this morning, I thought about my experiences from the night before and marveled at my lack of hangover. I reflected back on the conversations I had before I lost control. It started out mildly enough - “I saw so-and-so the other day” - which led to some fond remembrances of people and places we used to know and go, mixed with some "where are they now". From there, strange weather was discussed, Syria was brought up, along with insurance rate increases which brought us back to the strange weather topic.
Then somewhere between bottle 2 and 3, I started a conversation about red clay soap - how I ordered some online and how excited I was with the idea of cleaning my muddy crack with actual mud. How I worked this topic into general conversation is a mystery. I pray there was some context. What is strange is that I didn't actually order any soap. I had been thinking about it, researching it, and checking out prices, but I didn't order it until this morning. In a way, its like I saw the future.
I may or may not have stated to whoever would listen that my attic is a rainforest. I most likely said it multiple times.
From there I made fun of my tall friend. I said he reminded me of the Red Bull YouTube video, the one where that guy falls from space. Actually, I’m not sure if that’s what I said, but its what I meant. What that statement actually means, I have no idea.
As I finished #4, I entered a desperate tailspin. A desperate and serious tailspin. I spotted Wife on the other side of the room, acted out some sort of hand jive SOS signal and we were on our way. Walking home, I had extreme difficulty negotiating the sidewalk balance beams that line the streets of my town. Then, I nearly fell off a bridge. When I got home, I tried to hock a loogie before I went inside and instead vomited on my shed.
Once inside, I was thankful I was not wearing a belt. The buckle would have been a puzzle I was not prepared to solve and would have been a serious hindrance to using the toilet in a timely and proper manner.
I woke up this morning in my bed wearing socks, underwear, a button down dress shirt, and a sweater vest.
I never wear socks to bed.
At least I didn't shit my pants.