Monday, July 8, 2013

Doing the best I can...

I'm doing the best I can to keep updating this site, at the very least, with links to new pieces of mine that have been popping up over at Beergraphs.

Most recently, a post about alternative brownies and Green Flash's Rayon Vert went up just before the holiday.

Before that was a rework of an old post from this site but with a new beer reviewed, Brooklyn's Sorachi Ace, which was delicious.

Also, on July 18th, I'll be in Chicago at Fizz for a Fangraphs/Beergraphs meet-up/Q&A session. If you live nearby, stop out. Click here for all the details.

And finally, I'm leaning towards doing away with this blog's Facebook page. I would much rather just send out an email to anyone that wanted it than continue to use that. So, if were relying on the Beer On My Shirt Facebook page for links and updates, please either send me your email to or follow me on Twitter @beeronmyshirt. Or get some sort of RSS feed reader, which I know next to nothing about.

Monday, July 1, 2013

More Action, More Evil Twin over at Beergraphs...

Are you in need of more action? If so, head over to for my latest piece on collaborations, specifically the collaborative brew by Westbrook Brewing and Evil Twin - the Mini-Growler Imperial Stout.

Thank you for your support.

I wish I could say the same to my briefs.
All men's underwear is flawed.
And yet I wear them.

(The above is a haiku in which I ignore the rule for the number of syllables in the first line.)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The World Needs More Father's Days, And Even More Jesus (the Imperial Stout)

Even though it is getting hot out, I am super into Imperial Stouts right now. On Father's day I sat next to a smokey fire and shared some of Evil Twin's Even More Jesus, a near flawless Imperial stout, with some other Dad's. I may have drank too much judging by the notes I left myself on my bed side table:

Stinky walk home. Even more jesus. Smoke smell followed me everywhere. Held my Dad's crystal skull today, which I think caused the smoke to follow.  I kept my head down the whole walk home. Couldn't think of anything to say to all the buildings. I am short and they are tall and I was intimidated.

Suction cups keeping me out of the shower. Even more Father's Days. Even More Jesus. Then those suction cups kept me in. I was cold.

I watched a superhero movie with a classical soundtrack. I should be dancing gracefully, naked. Impossible, I'm a dude. So I'm gonna lay so still, as to not to be mistaken as dancing, naked. Soapy Violins. What I meant to say was so many violins. Give it a rest already.

So, after reading this the next morning and showing it to Wife, I was given the following explanation:

Apparently, after sharing Evil Twin's Even More Jesus, and drinking many things, including a sip of scotch, I walked home. Upon arriving home, so disgusted with the smokey smell of my clothes, I disrobed in the kitchen, down to my briefs, and headed upstairs in an attempt to lay on top of Wife. According to Wife, I narrated the entire process, and when I arrived upstairs she sent me straight to the shower to wash the stench of the fire from my person.

Once in the bathroom, the suction cups of the shower curtain impeded my progress and I yelled for help. No help came. I slipped into the shower by slinking beneath the suction cup barrier and may or may not have nearly drowned while laying in the tub with scalding hot water pelting me in the face. Wife recalled it to me as she overheard me shouting the following:

"SUCTION CUPS! I need help babe. BABE! These suction cups are really strong..."

(sounds of struggle and the squeaking of dry skin meeting wet surface)

"I'm in. It's hot! It's all up in my face! My grill! BABE!"

Logically, it follows that once I was on my feet that I would loudly narrate the washing process. At least up until the point when I attempted to exit the shower and was faced again the endless struggle that is my shower curtain's powerful suction cups. 

Eventually, I returned to bed, naked and pretty much soaking wet - towels had eluded me - and I scribbled for a few minutes on a note pad. The last thing I said to Wife before I fell asleep was "I want to dance."

In summary, Evil Twin's Even More Jesus is a near flawless, perhaps actually flawless, Imperial Stout. I already have another bottle waiting in the basement, so perhaps a more substantial review will appear over at in the coming weeks. In case you missed it, I had two pieces over there last week, here and here, and should have another before this week is out - unless of course my inability to use web-based technology has finally caught up to me. 

I need more beer on my shirt! The world needs more beer on its shirt!

Monday, June 10, 2013

A big announcement! No, for real this time...

We here at Beer on my shirt have worked hard to approach beer from a semi-unique perspective. Mainly, we obtained said perspective through a highly secretive artistic process that values heavily at least one of the following:

1. A bunch of dudes living together in a business zoned property is a launching pad for success.
2. Drinking beer is fun.
3. Headaches aren't real.
4. Seashells.

So it is with great pleasure that I announce that the collective of imaginary and real employees known to you as Beer on my shirt, has joined together, even more so than previous thought possible through late night sexual experimentation, to form one real person, more specifically, one real beer writer - J. R. Shirt.

The fantastic writing adventures of J. R. Shirt can be found over at, a website that combines the analytics of baseball sabermetrics with the world of beer. So please go check it out. My first post went up today - it may or may not be about shitting my pants. Perhaps it is about you shitting your pants.

Fear not, loyal "Beer on my shirt" reader, for this site will continue - mostly to keep you updated with the trials and tribulations of an office that actually has a deadline now. Also, please don't get all whistle-blower on me if you see some old "Beer on my shirt" material posted over at Beergraphs. It's bound to happen.

Be prepared for many links to the new site, random lists of things, and hand drawn pictures, done from memory, of traumatic events from my child hood.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Things to be aware of...

This may, or may not, be the last post for some time - at the very least, until the summer months. I may move on to other internet-based things - a web-based reality series is or isn't being spitballed by high ranking internet executives at this very moment. I may also begin work on a line of science fiction novels chronicling an alternative history of humanity where humans are cold-blooded instead of warm-blooded.

I would like to offer some parting wisdom, based largely on life experience. Along with that, I would also like to reveal some of the more personal information about myself that up until now has been kept rather, well, personal. And it would be unfair to the economy to keep some of my most guarded and successful business secrets locked in the vault of a mind that is quickly eroding away - like a poorly crafted mud brick in a humid climate.

Actually, first business secret - avoid mud bricks at all costs, regardless of climate. Never let a man with dreadlocks talk you into joining a mud brick revivalist community, regardless of how many beers he buys you and regardless of how appealing a summer in Maine sounds.

Never rent office space using a credit card if the APR is over 12%. You are digging a hole for yourself that might as well be your grave.

If your going to rent office space, never tell the company or person your renting from that your business is largely based around drinking beer and then writing about your experiences - especially if they appear to be unaware of futuristic theories of "mental economics" that you learned about that summer you spent in Maine. They will make you buy additional insurance.

Never yell "Drinks on me!" at an employee recruiting event. Never hold said event at Ruby Tuesday, even if you read that they are starting to carry some craft brews.

Never crash a holiday office party at Applebee's. Their beer selection sucks and you will drink Ultimate Margaritas all night and probably end up sleeping with someone who's gender is not easily identifiable. Learn from my mistakes, people.

If, during a passionate session of sexual intercourse between you and another person whose mojo you're not necessarily very familiar with, you have to actively think about the female anatomy to try and reason your way to an understanding of the logistics of the situation, then something really strange is happening and you would be better off not knowing what it is.

Never offer a job to a woman based on her looks. Unless you are a pimp - an actual pimp - not a guy that did real well in college because you worked in the writing lab and had nice eyes.

Never bring weed to a coke party. Or a box of knives. Or Pepsi.

My grandmother recently bought my 2 year old daughter a Bible activity book. And while I am not a Bible guy per se, I would be really grateful for the gift if not for the 800 stickers it comes with. Sixty of which are loaves of bread. People think musical instruments or noisy toys are the worst presents from the parents' perspective. Nope. It's stickers and it's not even close.

While we are on the topic of my daughter - she is 2 years old now and is literally the greatest 2 year old the world has seen and will ever see. I'm talking past, present, and future. I mean, I'm not entirely sure what someone like Mother Teresa or Daniel Day Lewis was like as a two year old, but I consider it highly doubtful that they could top what this little lady has going on for herself. Also, I apologize to all the people that mistakingly think or have thought that their 2 year old offspring was the greatest. You were/are incorrect. As a consolation, it is not the only thing you've been wrong about (you're not as good looking as you think, for example), so don't take it too personally. People are wrong all the time. The one exception being me, right now, about this.

When buying a case beer over $40, always check for a "best by" date. Some beers age well, some are better fresh. I'd go into more detail here but in this age of smart phones and everyone walking around wearing computer goggles, if you find yourself in a situation where additional information is needed just, you know, use those things.

Don't buy cases of expensive beer while drunk. You'll forget the above tip. Or you'll drop said case of beer. On your computer goggles.

Speaking of beers that get better with age, I just drank my last bottle of Hair of the Dog Brewing Company's Adam. It was from 2010. It was amazing. The style is called an "Old Ale" and the beer was dark, malty, smelled like a fig newton if a fig newton was made with whole grains, and had a taste that reminds me of chewing on the leather strings of a baseball glove - and I mean that in a good way. This one had a ton of great, strange flavors that I didn't put to much thought into - I just tried to enjoy it and savor the moment.

And then, of course, there are moments you wish you could forget - don't let a medical intern be a part of any procedures involving liquid nitrogen and the tip of your nose. Seriously. A lot can go wrong.

The decision on whether or not to manscape on the day of a full body skin check at the dermatologist is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. It needed to be done but I didn't want them to think I did it for them. I also didn't want them to miss a strange mole. Or get lost in the dense forest that had grown between my legs over the course of a very long winter. I couldn't help but imagine a strange scenario in which the medical intern would somehow lose her way while navigating about the dark woodlands of my pubis - like I would open my eyes and she wouldn't be in the examining room with me anymore and as I looked left and right in a slightly bewildered panic I would hear her voice call out "Hello?". I would call out to her, asking her where she was and she would respond "I think I'm lost in your pubic hair. Could you get the actual doctor?" And then I would yell for the doctor and he would come in and at first be completely horrified at the crab nebula floating around my genitals and then ask what the problem was. At that point the intern would call out from the curly labyrinth of my crotch and explain to the doc what had happened.  The doctor would then leave the room momentarily, returning with several hundred feet of nylon rope and a rock climbing harness. From here, I think it pretty obvious how this plays out so I will spare you the closing details of my neurosis.

Don't tell you friends about your couponing habits. Or about the dry skin on your hips during the winter months. Or about the soap you bought on the internet. Unless, of course, you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of being overly respected by your peers. Then, by all means, use these topics to lower their expectations of your ability to function normally in society.

Don't talk about advanced baseball statistics with Philadelphia Phillies fans. As fans of the Phillies, they are clearly still struggling to grasp the basics of the game.

One of my earliest memories is taking a bath. I was probably 3 or 4 years old. My dad was in the room with me. I farted in the tub and it made a lot of bubbles. We LOL'd.

Around the same time, my mom claims she caught me trying on her pantyhose. Several times. This I do not remember. Honestly. But it certainly peaks my interest...

I do remember that my mom would let me wear a cape and eat toothpaste right from the tube. Lots of it. This gave me great powers. I could fly, lift heavy things over my head, and run really fast. I called myself the Incredible Conan. Turns out eating half a tube of toothpaste is pretty bad for a young child. Turns out I was probably hallucinating and couldn't actually do any of those things that I just said I could do as the Incredible Conan. This probably also explains why I am 4'9". And 3000 pounds.

I also remember a recurring dream in which I found a secret passage behind my refrigerator which I used to escape from the evil villains that were trying to take over our apartment complex. The leader of this terrible group was a man wearing a tuxedo that had a purple octopus for a head.

Turns out that was probably just my interpretation of a Catholic mass my mother took me to after I ingested half a tube of toothpaste.

I remember I had a toy alligator that I loved to take to the local pool. That is until one day I stubbed my toe on the cement around the pool. It bled a lot. I blamed the alligator for the mishap and never played with it again. I still blame the alligator. For the stubbed toe and everything that has gone wrong since then. My therapist actual made me write the alligator a letter. I wrote, "Dear Alligator, Thanks for ruining my life. You fucking asshole. Sincerely, Beer on my Shirt."

The therapist said I was missing the point - that I was supposed to forgive the alligator. So I had to write another letter.  I wrote, "Dear Alligator, My therapist is a god damned idiot. Sincerely, Beer on my Shirt." (And yes, I am aware that this joke may not be entirely original.)

As I write this, I am wearing a three piece suit made of alligator skin and I am sweating quite a bit. For one, it is just not a very breathable material and really it makes about zero sense to make slacks, a vest, and a blazer out of the stuff. And then there is also the idea that this suit may come to life and exact retribution for the strange hate mail I had been sending it.

And in conclusion, I leave you with the greatest spam comment I have ever received here at Beer On My Shirt. It maybe the greatest spam comment ever written. I have removed the link to a website that originally appeared at the bottom (for build-it-yourself sheds). I think it is from the ghost of Raymond Carver.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Hacksaws, Saisons, and Sears": 

The firewood was put to good use as Keith sometimes uses it in the see-through fireplace between the kitchen and living room to grill or cook in the hanging Dutch oven. "I learned to listen to books on tape so I didn't get stressed at the drive," she said. With a little sand, rocks, cement and the right containers, you can make your own.